The Case of the Curious Couples

Sounds like a murder mystery novel, doesn't it? Or an episode of Murder She Wrote...Nonetheless, this is the case of the curious couples in New York City. We would like to prefice this by saying that we know many couples who suffer from these diseases, and don't you worry. We have a cure!

Cling-on-itis:
Definition: Every couple is different, and each spends different amounts of time solely with each other. However, it seems as though more and more people are catching this viral epidemic of relationship fever. Aka... they don't spend time with anyone else other than their significant other. Let's call this disease "cling-on-itis".

Symptoms: Burning, itching, intense fever, foaming at the mouth, and inability to leave your bed, let alone your apartment without your significant other.

Cure: DON'T FRET! We have a cure! It's called, CALL YOUR FRIENDS. They likely miss you and think you died. Or if you can't call, at least show signs of life.

Mal aphroditis:
Definition: The next couple case is the couple who doesn't stay in a lot, and both individuals are likely cheating on each other, and only in the relationship so that they don't choke on something in their apartment, and die alone. This couple suffers from "mal aphroditis" - also known as bad love.

Symptoms: This couple has too much independence and so much that they can't keep track of each other, which leads to lying, cheating, giving false names (Ladies - avoid all BRIANS at bars, especially those dressed in suits - ahem FJOs), and then crawling back into bed with your significant other at the wee hours of the morning with lipstick stains on your shirt collar (or beer drops on your brand new dress)...Our solution for you is quite simple.

Cure: BREAK UP ALREADY AND STAY SINGLE. You are not ready for a serious commitment. Why not play the field until you turn 40 and then have to turn to match.com?

Screaming Banshee-lepsy:
Definition: A screaming NYC banshee is a woman (or in certain cases a man) whose mournful wails can be heard from the UES to the Brooklyn Bridge. The couple is one in which either the female or male in the relationship is extremely argumentative, and henceforth, whenever the couple is together, their screams are heard from afar. Though if you look close, this couple is really actually OK - they just enjoy fighting - especially with each other.

Symptoms: Screaming, slapping, punching, and in rare cases serious physical abuse.

Cure: BE NICE. It's not really that hard. Plus, your friends might actually want you to come out every once awhile.

Commitmentphobia:
Definition: This is the couple that is in complete denial that they're actually in a relationship. They act like they're in the relationship, their friends think they're in a relationship, but they're actually both so afraid that they can't seal the deal.

Symptoms: Excessive flirting, sexting, posting photos on Facebook of them together as "friends", numerous sleepovers, and complete and utter denial. Does not necessarily include dating, however, every now and then they will surprise you.

Cure: Break the ice, and either do it, or stop bugging the shit out of all of your friends. No one likes the gray zone. Definitions are more realistic. If you really like the girl/guy enough, it shouldn't matter what the label is.

For reference, please visit WebMD.com or visit a local therapist - posted on most NYC street corners.

- L-Squared and LD