No My Insurance Doesn't Cover That...

And I am not talking about the insurance that covered the 8 parked cars I've hit...I'm referring to the insurance that has terrible vision coverage. Let me tell you something UnitedHealthCare, if I can't see then I can't work.

But really I am more annoyed that my eye doctor likes to make up "special" exams and charge me $57 extra. For instance, the optomitron, or whatever you call it. I will not be getting that this year! Or the contact lense exam, $50. Someone explain that to me? I have been wearing the same contact size and proportions since the 9th grade. Not to mention convincing me to purchase a year supply of contacts from them, $300.

Me: Why is this exam necessary

Receptionist: Because the doctor will examin the health of your eyes with contacts.

Me: Isn't the purpose of this visit to examin the health of my eyes?

Receptionist: If you don't do it then he will not give you a perscription to get new contacts.

Me: I think you people are trying to be tricky and get money where it's not deserved.

Receptionist: Do you still want the appointment?

Me: Well obviously.

I mean seriously, why is there an extra exam that my insurance does not cover, for the doctor to tell me the same information that he would have found out whilst examining my eyes for the regular health check up.

I am wondering if this is a New York thing. In my home state I had an exam every 3 years and never had any of this special contact lense exams and I was still prescribed new contacts whenever I asked.

General Visit: $50

Grand Total: $457

Adios Burberry trench coat and Chanel flats...

PS- They're not even friendly, which I intend on confronting them about at my visit tomorrow.

The Case of the Curious Couples

Sounds like a murder mystery novel, doesn't it? Or an episode of Murder She Wrote...Nonetheless, this is the case of the curious couples in New York City. We would like to prefice this by saying that we know many couples who suffer from these diseases, and don't you worry. We have a cure!

Cling-on-itis:
Definition: Every couple is different, and each spends different amounts of time solely with each other. However, it seems as though more and more people are catching this viral epidemic of relationship fever. Aka... they don't spend time with anyone else other than their significant other. Let's call this disease "cling-on-itis".

Symptoms: Burning, itching, intense fever, foaming at the mouth, and inability to leave your bed, let alone your apartment without your significant other.

Cure: DON'T FRET! We have a cure! It's called, CALL YOUR FRIENDS. They likely miss you and think you died. Or if you can't call, at least show signs of life.

Mal aphroditis:
Definition: The next couple case is the couple who doesn't stay in a lot, and both individuals are likely cheating on each other, and only in the relationship so that they don't choke on something in their apartment, and die alone. This couple suffers from "mal aphroditis" - also known as bad love.

Symptoms: This couple has too much independence and so much that they can't keep track of each other, which leads to lying, cheating, giving false names (Ladies - avoid all BRIANS at bars, especially those dressed in suits - ahem FJOs), and then crawling back into bed with your significant other at the wee hours of the morning with lipstick stains on your shirt collar (or beer drops on your brand new dress)...Our solution for you is quite simple.

Cure: BREAK UP ALREADY AND STAY SINGLE. You are not ready for a serious commitment. Why not play the field until you turn 40 and then have to turn to match.com?

Screaming Banshee-lepsy:
Definition: A screaming NYC banshee is a woman (or in certain cases a man) whose mournful wails can be heard from the UES to the Brooklyn Bridge. The couple is one in which either the female or male in the relationship is extremely argumentative, and henceforth, whenever the couple is together, their screams are heard from afar. Though if you look close, this couple is really actually OK - they just enjoy fighting - especially with each other.

Symptoms: Screaming, slapping, punching, and in rare cases serious physical abuse.

Cure: BE NICE. It's not really that hard. Plus, your friends might actually want you to come out every once awhile.

Commitmentphobia:
Definition: This is the couple that is in complete denial that they're actually in a relationship. They act like they're in the relationship, their friends think they're in a relationship, but they're actually both so afraid that they can't seal the deal.

Symptoms: Excessive flirting, sexting, posting photos on Facebook of them together as "friends", numerous sleepovers, and complete and utter denial. Does not necessarily include dating, however, every now and then they will surprise you.

Cure: Break the ice, and either do it, or stop bugging the shit out of all of your friends. No one likes the gray zone. Definitions are more realistic. If you really like the girl/guy enough, it shouldn't matter what the label is.

For reference, please visit WebMD.com or visit a local therapist - posted on most NYC street corners.

- L-Squared and LD

Pick-Up Line Etiquette

Being single in NYC can be both extremely fun, and extremely frustrating at the same time.

One thing us single girls have to deal with is how men get our attention at the bar. I'm known in my group of friends for having no fear about approaching the male gender. I'm usually the ballsy one that just says: "We're going to talk to them!" While this can be risky, I think a few of my friends are thankful for my undaunted attitude (A few couples have come about from me initiating the conversation ;-)!)

But when I choose not to be gallant... OF COURSE that's when men decide to approach me. I thought that I would take this opportunity to share a bit of pick-up line etiquette for you men to hear.

DO NOT TELL A GIRL YOU THINK HER DRESS IS SEXY ON THE LINE TO THE BATHROOM. Just say no... and hold back. That will not get my attention and will not make me swoon. I'm sad to say that I have been hit on not once, but TWICE on the line to the bathroom. I get it, we're both in a confined space where we are forced to stand in silence. Seems like a good opportunity to break the ice, right? Nope.. that's where you are wrong! Just refrain, and wait till we get back to the bar.

A girl always appreciates it when a man approaches her and shows interest (in a tasteful way of course). But time and place are key, and the bathroom is not one of those places. Men, take note of this, for the sake of women everywhere. Please?

~L Squared

Living For The Moment

God, or something else up in the clouds, has been testing me recently.

Over the past 2 weeks: I lost my job, found out my grandfather was in the hospital while I was on my vacation to California, and had to come home early. He passed away in his sleep on Saturday, March 27th 2010.

It makes me so sad to think about it. I didn't have too much of a relationship with the man. Every time i saw him it was: "L-Squared! You've gotten so tall! Glad to hear you're reaching for your dreams." Aside from seeing him every passover, I got 2 checks in the mail from him annually, and they were never more than $15 dollars. All of this aside, the man has had a profound influence on my life. He was a songwriter, and i grew up with his songs in my home. To those that do not know, I am a songwriter and composer, and I have this amazing man to thank.

In 24 hours.. my grandfather's life changed entirely. Although he had Alzheimer's disease, a week prior to his death the man was able to go out to lunch and could hold a conversation (even though most of the time it didn't make sense). In 24 hours, my grandfather contracted pneumonia and became a vegetable. Going through this has changed my life entirely, and the way that I think about living.

Most people in our generation are really fearful. They've been hurt and build up walls to protect themselves. I've been that person many times in my life. Kids on the playground would make fun of me, and i got hurt so often that I just stopped speaking in class. This lasted up until my sophomore year of college. I didn't have opinions, and I might as well have been a vegetable. I wasn't a person.

If theres anything i've learned, especially going through this situation with my grandfather, it is this: live with no regrets. You could die tomorrow. What if you never told the person you're seeing how much you cared about them? What if you never stood up to the person that ruined your life? I never want to spend my life thinking "what if!" These walls that have been built over years of pain, will only continue to cause you more pain as long as they are in tact. I am going to do my best to rid myself of these walls, do what I want to do, and love like I have never loved before. I wish more people in our generation could follow this; we would be much happier human beings.

Remember to break down your walls, they will only hold you back from true happiness.

~L-Squared

Caribbean Time

I recently learned a new term from my dear friends L2 and L. I was busy being a typical New Yorker: complaining about things, but more specifically, about people who are perpetually 2-3 hours late. The term? Caribbean Time. Also known as Africa time.

Why call it this, you ask? Well, if I was living in the Caribbean I wouldn't show up on time for anything but a Pina Colada on the beach. And it's acceptable in these places.

But I am a prompt individual and while I recognize that it's completely fine for people to be 30 minutes to an hour late, depending on the situation, my issue is with those who are later. I have a friend who cannot arrive to anything close to the time it's scheduled to commence. I've even tried telling her to arrive two hours ahead by lying about the time, I've expressed my annoyance at her constant late arrivals (in a friendly way), and when when I go to anything she hosts (even late) she still hasn't even showered yet! So my question is this, why is she so late allllll the time? WHY? I just don't get it. What is she doing that she cannot be ready in time to be even an hour late? My friends and I have waited at bars for 4 hours for her before...not even sure why now that I'm looking back on it.

So here is the lesson/word of advice for this post: Don't be one of those people. Get your act together like the rest of us. You've been warned in advance when you are supposed to arrive so there are no excuses. People will stop inviting you to things.

K

GTL

Let's play a game I like to call "Spot the Juicehead".

If you watched the reality MTV phenomenon "Jersey Shore", you might be aware of the acronym GTL - gym, tan, and laundry - the ultimate guide for guidos/guidettes to feel great and no doubt look hawt.

For some reason, ever since this show appeared, I realize that more and more men/women in NYC are actually a big fan of GTL-ing and maybe even take it a little bit too serious. At points, I like to think they're put on earth for my entertainment. But as our friend Rach would say, "I am a bitch" (IAAB).

Take this guy to my left. Upon entering Central Park on a COLD Spring day, I could not help to notice this man and his ugh shiny ORANGE body attempting to get a tan - or entice a lady or two to join him.

This was evident from his routine of flexing his muscles, sexting on his cell, and from the fact that he was BY HIMSELF.

He is definitely more attractive than an oompa loompa, not by much though.

Anyway, in his honor I have developed a short song that should be sung to the tune of "Day Man"....

"Orange man..ohhh wooahhh. Master of the spray tan. Ooooh woahhhhh. Champion of the SUN. Ohh wooahhhh. You're a master at fist pumping and posing for everyone."

-LD

Purgatory

Per L-Squared's last post, I think most people would agree that dating in our generation is complicated. Dating in NYC might be even more so...

I have been seeing a guy for a few months now and this past weekend we finally started to talk about our level of dating... uh oh. GULP.

The last time I talked to a guy about that he ran away, and started dating his coworker. Fail.

Well, this time it wasn't so bad. We know we are a level beyond the early dating stage, but we are not quite at the level of a relationship.

You know where you can't make out with random dudes at the bar or that hot guy on the 4th floor because you might actually like this one...where you overlook anything bad because all you can see is the person's amazing side...where you only dip your toe into a serious conversation before changing the subject to something positive....

So what the f%#! do you call this stage?!? Datingship?! Purgatory? Inbetweening?!?!

We decided we needed to do the world a service and actually define our situation, however, we couldn't decide on a proper word to define it.

I think it's most appropriately referred to as "purgatory" because you are either heading to heaven or hell in your dating life. Though apparently there are no mimosas in hell so we had better keep things moving the other way.

He preferred to call it "in-betweening", which I thought was pretty good, but not quite enough to describe our situation, and also could be misconstrued as something inappropriate. (Yes, there's a reason that they call me Dirty D. My mind is in the gutter most of the time.)

"Hey LD, is that your boyfriend." -friend
"NOOOO. We're just in-betweening." -LD

That just sounds wrong.

SOOO... in a true effort to figure out what to call it, I am polling my friends and now the online community. Once we figure out the right word, we're submitting it to http://www.urbandictionary.com/ so that no one else ever has wonder what to call it.

Submit your ideas NOW (or cast your vote...for purgatory) and help us clear things up for the rest of the dating confused!

-LD